so a few people have been asking, what's going on,? it's been a while since I posted anything, the thing is..I never really know what I am going to post here until I start typing.
some times I am inclined to "spill my guts". other's I don't feel like "dealing" with the "dark stuff".
sometimes, I would rather hide from the scary reality of what my life has become and just watch dumbass 70's reruns on Antenna TV, and take a deep breath and try to convince myself "everything is going to be OK".
not long ago, a friend said to me "what do you want to be when you grow up?. figure that out and the money will follow",. it's been suggested I should get a student loan, maybe take some classes at NYU. I cannot imagine ANY lending institution giving ME a dime though I would certainly love to give that a whirl. that question came up again last night. someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" well I will be 51 years old in 5 years. and I broke out into a sweat. I smiled and joked. "I don't know where I will be in 6 months let alone 5 years", but that is all too true. at least ONE person I know has told me over and over and over for well over 3 Years. "you will never work again". and I am starting to buy into this somewhat. I would LIKE to think I still have some value. that I AM capable of being HIRED, and holding s job long term,. there really is nothing out there I am not willing to TRY. if given half a chance.I think back over the myriad of terrible choices I have made over the last 25 or so years and wish I could have done so many things differently. I should have taken EVERY NYC Civil Service Test when I was young enough. I should have had SO much more direction in my youth. I know it is fashionable for fuck-ups like myself to "blame the parents", but I never really had a lot of guidance when I was younger as to what I should pursue, maybe they thought I would "figure it out", but being an "only child" who often just wanted to be "left alone" I got my wish.I hated High School. I could not get out of it fast enough. I had no interest in my classes. my head was always "in the clouds". I never thought of where my life would go. Mother was always there for me, yet she was so busy being tortured and fighting with Lord Vader she was not the one to "help me find my way". Lord Vader was never in a good mood or sober long enough to help me figure out my future. I had almost NO friends. when you have nobody around you to even tell you where "the path" IS, you start to make shit up as you go along". and that is what I did. my earliest "jobs" were all in retail. my 1st was tailor made for me. I worked...in a Fotomat Booth. remember those? I sat in a cubicle in a parking lot with a portable TV, and assorted books and waited for people to pick up and drop off film, I did inventory every week. and maintained the booth. mopping. cleaning windows and making night deposits every day.. and eating pizza.my 2nd, I moved up BIG time. I got to wear a tie and jacket! I sold electronics and cameras and luggage at JC Penny's.the cycle went on and on for years. 'get fired after a year or two pick another store". some were better than others, but I did them ALL, some more than once. I worked both Macy's and Bloomingdales in Manhattan as well as Bloomingdales in Westchester.. I worked for The Wiz on East 86th and it was the most FUN I ever had. if far from the income I needed. they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the result to change. I must have lost my mind decades ago as it never dawned on me THIS was clearly NOT the road to financial stability and one day the party would end. from 1983 when I graduated High School straight up till August of 98 when I began working at Sleepy's I had over 20 jobs if I were to count EVERY one. some lasted a week. some a year and a half. some 2 years. NONE were very impressive. and now.. here we are.
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