I have been neglecting this blog. and for a number of reasons, but I really want to keep it going,
so it's back to the keyboard today. In the last entry, for those who recall, I was talking about my stepfather.Now I have already covered most of his sins, his violent temper, his excessive drinking, the fear I felt in the pit of my gut nearly every time he walked into the apartment.. His bizarre "arrangement" of taking over MY bedroom rather than sleeping with my mom. was a mystery for many years to me.Now, due to the passage of time, I cannot recall every detail of how it all went down, or even exactly the timing though I want to place this around 1985/86. but one day it ALL began to make a little more sense. Lord Vader had a DARK DARK secret. and I cannot confirm my suspicions about ALL of this, but these are the facts, make what you will of them. He had a daughter, with two young daughters and a 3rd child came later, a son. She, like his other 2 sons wanted next to nothing or as little as possible to do with him and lived in Middletown NY. over an hour away from us. nice enough people, and nobody would blame them for not wanting his crazy drunken ass visiting often. well THIS was the ultimate mind fuck for ME. the absolute FINAL moment when I asked myself HOW can Mom "overlook" what came next?. Lord Vader was accused. and spent over a year in JAIL for "touching" his,6, 7 or 8 year old granddaughter..( I could not tell you her age now, let alone back than, I have not seen these folks in 25 or more years). for well over a year if I recall, Mom went to "visit" His Majesty nearly every weekend. leaving me her ATM card and more freedom than any 20 something had any right to have. after the "incident" they both moved up to Middletown,. do I think he "did it"? nothing would shock me about him. he had many relationships prior to my Mom, and they all ended ugly. do I suspect he tried or even succeeded in abusing his daughter, and perhaps THAT was a big reason she moved so far away from him? I can see that as well and it is well known that sex abusers do NOT abuse once and only once it's a pattern, all I know is that they subsequently moved less than 20 minutes away from them and rarely saw them again for the rest of his life even at holidays, (and this went on for a good 7-8 years) He died a number of years later, and that story has a pretty funny punchline, I will save for another day.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
13 Years is a long,long time ago,
and it FEELS like a Galaxy far, far away, and yet it somehow still feels like yesterday, I certainly will never forget it. it was the day I first boarded an LIRR train to Bethpage NY.,and began what became the most successful, stressful, fun, hellish, era of my Adult Life. it was the start of every change "for the better" after nearly 33 years of false starts, it was the start of the highest of highs I EVER had, and some of the lowest lows. and it is a time I will forever look back on with more affection than anger. no matter how much I hate to admit it. for the following 2 weeks, I would get up around 5AM, trek from my basement hole in The Bronx, all the way to Long Island and train for Sleepys. truth was I needed VERY little training, I had been training for them for the last 15 years, all I needed was some clue as to what I was expected to sell, and some basic info. my trainer was a FUN, larger than life guy named Paul Hubert. we bonded very fast, I also met the man who would become a daily, invaluable source of help, encouragement and support, Mike Noone. I often tell people that working at Sleepys was akin to "Charlie's Angels". 99% of your contact with upper management was via speakerphone! and Mike Noone was my "Charlie". there were a few others but I always called him 1st, he always was there to "pump me up". make me smile on a bad day, laugh with me, and he always fought for ME and made sure every problem was above ALL treated in a fair manner. I also had a great deal of help in the office from a guy named Matt Page. a fellow 007 fanatic! I felt like I landed on a Planet where people FINALLY after years and years GOT who I was!. and wanted ME to do well. and that was a big difference from EVERY place I had ever worked. I "connected" with these people as I had never before connected with a job. following "training" I worked for about 3 weeks in The Bronx. one day I was pulled, sent to Manhattan as I had hoped, and that was that. I may feel the need this week to share a few more stories. I always get melancholy in early August. its also my late mom's Birthday in a few days. Sleepy's was the perfect place at the perfect time in my life. and with some AWESOME people I will always remember. there are days I CRINGE when some folks call me "Sleepys", and a few people in another circle of friends call me "mattressman". sometimes I want to shed those names not because I hate the time. but because it will always sting a little when I think of how things SHOULD have ended there.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
"Green Acres is the place to be..."
for those reading this who may not be old enough to remember, there were a couple of very popular shows in the mid-60's /early 70's, that were set in a little town called "Hooterville". one was called" Petticoat Junction", the other was truly one of the strangest shows to come out of the Psychedelic 60's and it was known as "Green Acres". the series was ostensibly about a Manhattan lawyer, (played by Eddie Albert) and his Glamorous Wife, (played by Eva Gabor), who buy a farm in the town and try to "go country"! Eddie is ALL about the idea, Eva loves him and is willing to give it a try for that reason but never really stops missing NYC. where the real comedy comes from however is the bizarre, almost surreal way the writers handle things ( breaking the 4th wall often, with many "in jokes") and the strange people around them, the sight of Eva Gabor in designer clothes wandering around a farm house that is falling apart as if nothing is "off", the writers had to have been smoking something powerful as Hell.!lol. this is the best way I can describe the time I spent in Middletown, now SOME people may enjoy the sight of Cows and Horses in the yard across the street and driving 15 minutes to go ANY place, hey whatever "floats your boat". Me, I get itchy when I am more than an hour or so from Manhattan by Subway. I have lived my whole life for the most part in either Yonkers or The Bronx, and I LIKE it that way. I spent part of my childhood in White Plains as well but there are so many bad memories from there I try to block them out..now there are a number of reasons WHY my Mother and Her Husband went to live in this God Forsaken corner of NY State, ,ONE was the fact that his daughter lived there for MANY years.(this was how I first became aware of this place. through occasional visits). the other reason..is something of a major bomb I am not quite ready to "set off" on this page. when I do, it will shed a little more light on why I detest my stepfather as much as I do, many people might think a nasty, violent abusive alcoholic who was unrelentingly cruel and foul mouthed would be more than enough. and it would be in most cases. he has another skeleton. and it's DAMN ugly. I posted this entry to try to get "back in the swing" of writing after a short break..and to set-up a bit more about the time I spent between housing, before I move forward to the next chapter. I have a few interesting stories about my time in Middletown as well.. that I plan to cover in the next entry.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
This is nothing new.
Not only is my current condition not new to me, it is very much a case of "Deja Vu". I have been here before, and in fact, it has been worse than this. MUCH worse. of course the last time, I endured a mess like this one, it did not last nearly as long, nor did things feel nearly as hopeless as they do as I sit here today typing this, but when I get one of my bouts of depression these days, I sometimes take comfort in thinking "As bad is this IS it HAS been worse". See, there was a period of about 6-8 weeks back in late 1988 or so when I literally was "homeless". at the time, I was not able to collect unemployment (this is another running "theme" in my life, what many people do not realize, is that if you are fired from a job, for breaking the rules, 9 of 10x, you will not qualify for Unemployment, you sometimes can appeal and win, it is a long drawn out process and can go either way depending on an Administrative Law Judge). one of the hardest parts of this blog for me is trying to recall the order in which some of the twists and turns of my mixed life took place, with as many "soap opera" twists as I have gone through this is not easy. By the mid 80's My Mom and her Evil Master had moved to Middletown NY. His daughter lived up there. Middletown for me was pure Hell. and a place I refused to go live. when they went there I decided to share a pretty pathetic apartment in Manhattan with a friend and co-worker. that did NOT last long at all. it took under 6 months before we were ready to kill each other. at the time , I was working at Bloomingdales on 59th street..and making next to nothing. we fought around the clock. to the point where I at one point decided to give up and try to go live with Mom as bad as it might be. and as far as it was from all the things that mattered. I quit Bloomingdales. problem was Evil Master would NOT allow this. so, AFTER I quit, and AFTER I had dragged all my stuff to Middletown I had NO place to go. in fact I was forced to HIDE the fact that I was up there. YUP. it was like some TWISTED episode of "3's Company". for several weeks, I lived in a Motel, tried to find a job, tried to exist in some nightmare town out of Green Acres, with no transit to speak of, and keep it ALL secret from HIM. of course he eventually found out. it all lead to a HUGE blow up. and I was sent back to my roommate. I returned to NYC, and went to Macy's this time, where the cycle began all over. not enough to live on. fighting and bickering with a guy who drove me insane,(more on him another day) in an apartment that I am almost certain would never pass an NYC inspection, and finally . the day I was locked out for the last time.for the next 6 weeks or so, I literally had NO place to go. I left everything non-essential in a mini storage by the West Side Highway/ and Mom, sent money every few days to Western Union. for weeks at a time I floated between various NYC YMCA's. an SRO on the Upper West Side off Broadway and 77 and for a few nights I even just.. walked ALL over the city. when I was thrown out, I HAD to quit Macy's. I did not know where the hell I was going to live so that job was the least of my problems. I NOW had a whole new set...and things were not getting much better this way.
3
3
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Update what's going on with the blog?
so a few people have been asking, what's going on,? it's been a while since I posted anything, the thing is..I never really know what I am going to post here until I start typing.
some times I am inclined to "spill my guts". other's I don't feel like "dealing" with the "dark stuff".
sometimes, I would rather hide from the scary reality of what my life has become and just watch dumbass 70's reruns on Antenna TV, and take a deep breath and try to convince myself "everything is going to be OK".
not long ago, a friend said to me "what do you want to be when you grow up?. figure that out and the money will follow",. it's been suggested I should get a student loan, maybe take some classes at NYU. I cannot imagine ANY lending institution giving ME a dime though I would certainly love to give that a whirl. that question came up again last night. someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" well I will be 51 years old in 5 years. and I broke out into a sweat. I smiled and joked. "I don't know where I will be in 6 months let alone 5 years", but that is all too true. at least ONE person I know has told me over and over and over for well over 3 Years. "you will never work again". and I am starting to buy into this somewhat. I would LIKE to think I still have some value. that I AM capable of being HIRED, and holding s job long term,. there really is nothing out there I am not willing to TRY. if given half a chance.I think back over the myriad of terrible choices I have made over the last 25 or so years and wish I could have done so many things differently. I should have taken EVERY NYC Civil Service Test when I was young enough. I should have had SO much more direction in my youth. I know it is fashionable for fuck-ups like myself to "blame the parents", but I never really had a lot of guidance when I was younger as to what I should pursue, maybe they thought I would "figure it out", but being an "only child" who often just wanted to be "left alone" I got my wish.I hated High School. I could not get out of it fast enough. I had no interest in my classes. my head was always "in the clouds". I never thought of where my life would go. Mother was always there for me, yet she was so busy being tortured and fighting with Lord Vader she was not the one to "help me find my way". Lord Vader was never in a good mood or sober long enough to help me figure out my future. I had almost NO friends. when you have nobody around you to even tell you where "the path" IS, you start to make shit up as you go along". and that is what I did. my earliest "jobs" were all in retail. my 1st was tailor made for me. I worked...in a Fotomat Booth. remember those? I sat in a cubicle in a parking lot with a portable TV, and assorted books and waited for people to pick up and drop off film, I did inventory every week. and maintained the booth. mopping. cleaning windows and making night deposits every day.. and eating pizza.my 2nd, I moved up BIG time. I got to wear a tie and jacket! I sold electronics and cameras and luggage at JC Penny's.the cycle went on and on for years. 'get fired after a year or two pick another store". some were better than others, but I did them ALL, some more than once. I worked both Macy's and Bloomingdales in Manhattan as well as Bloomingdales in Westchester.. I worked for The Wiz on East 86th and it was the most FUN I ever had. if far from the income I needed. they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the result to change. I must have lost my mind decades ago as it never dawned on me THIS was clearly NOT the road to financial stability and one day the party would end. from 1983 when I graduated High School straight up till August of 98 when I began working at Sleepy's I had over 20 jobs if I were to count EVERY one. some lasted a week. some a year and a half. some 2 years. NONE were very impressive. and now.. here we are.
some times I am inclined to "spill my guts". other's I don't feel like "dealing" with the "dark stuff".
sometimes, I would rather hide from the scary reality of what my life has become and just watch dumbass 70's reruns on Antenna TV, and take a deep breath and try to convince myself "everything is going to be OK".
not long ago, a friend said to me "what do you want to be when you grow up?. figure that out and the money will follow",. it's been suggested I should get a student loan, maybe take some classes at NYU. I cannot imagine ANY lending institution giving ME a dime though I would certainly love to give that a whirl. that question came up again last night. someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" well I will be 51 years old in 5 years. and I broke out into a sweat. I smiled and joked. "I don't know where I will be in 6 months let alone 5 years", but that is all too true. at least ONE person I know has told me over and over and over for well over 3 Years. "you will never work again". and I am starting to buy into this somewhat. I would LIKE to think I still have some value. that I AM capable of being HIRED, and holding s job long term,. there really is nothing out there I am not willing to TRY. if given half a chance.I think back over the myriad of terrible choices I have made over the last 25 or so years and wish I could have done so many things differently. I should have taken EVERY NYC Civil Service Test when I was young enough. I should have had SO much more direction in my youth. I know it is fashionable for fuck-ups like myself to "blame the parents", but I never really had a lot of guidance when I was younger as to what I should pursue, maybe they thought I would "figure it out", but being an "only child" who often just wanted to be "left alone" I got my wish.I hated High School. I could not get out of it fast enough. I had no interest in my classes. my head was always "in the clouds". I never thought of where my life would go. Mother was always there for me, yet she was so busy being tortured and fighting with Lord Vader she was not the one to "help me find my way". Lord Vader was never in a good mood or sober long enough to help me figure out my future. I had almost NO friends. when you have nobody around you to even tell you where "the path" IS, you start to make shit up as you go along". and that is what I did. my earliest "jobs" were all in retail. my 1st was tailor made for me. I worked...in a Fotomat Booth. remember those? I sat in a cubicle in a parking lot with a portable TV, and assorted books and waited for people to pick up and drop off film, I did inventory every week. and maintained the booth. mopping. cleaning windows and making night deposits every day.. and eating pizza.my 2nd, I moved up BIG time. I got to wear a tie and jacket! I sold electronics and cameras and luggage at JC Penny's.the cycle went on and on for years. 'get fired after a year or two pick another store". some were better than others, but I did them ALL, some more than once. I worked both Macy's and Bloomingdales in Manhattan as well as Bloomingdales in Westchester.. I worked for The Wiz on East 86th and it was the most FUN I ever had. if far from the income I needed. they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the result to change. I must have lost my mind decades ago as it never dawned on me THIS was clearly NOT the road to financial stability and one day the party would end. from 1983 when I graduated High School straight up till August of 98 when I began working at Sleepy's I had over 20 jobs if I were to count EVERY one. some lasted a week. some a year and a half. some 2 years. NONE were very impressive. and now.. here we are.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
2nd Update, we catch a small break after all.
there are 4 media players on this computer.
what "Quicktime", "VLC Media", and "Windows Media" could NOT do, it would appear "Realplayer" CAN.
the files play in "Real", I am unable to determine if a little "choppiness" is a "true" issue or just the way it was shot,
some of this footage is reminiscent of "Blair Witch" and "Bourne Identity". but I think I can claim a small victory here.
what "Quicktime", "VLC Media", and "Windows Media" could NOT do, it would appear "Realplayer" CAN.
the files play in "Real", I am unable to determine if a little "choppiness" is a "true" issue or just the way it was shot,
some of this footage is reminiscent of "Blair Witch" and "Bourne Identity". but I think I can claim a small victory here.
UPDATE to last Post.
2.5 hours, a screen full of Icons I must now delete from my hard drive, and guess what?
it did not work. ONLY in my world. the perfect ending to this story.
it did not work. ONLY in my world. the perfect ending to this story.
Nothing EVER is simple in My World.
There is a long list of "stories" in my life that I could share here and a few of them will eventually
"make the cut" I am sure, but in the last few days, it has happened AGAIN!, and this little "incident"
just so perfectly encapsulates everything in my World, I figure it's as good an example as any.
I mentioned earlier, that I have become "friendly" with "Media Personality" Leslie Gold, known to most
for her 10 Year career on New York Radio, and nationally syndicated on Sirius. well earlier this week
Ms Gold "made me an offer I could not refuse".
she offered to pay me to help her on a new TV Pilot she is shooting that will revolve around her and her
boyfriend Rock Drummer Legend Carmine Appice, (Carmine has worked for those unaware, with every famous group on the planet, Led Zepplin , Rod Stewart, Ozzy, you name it he has worked with them).
The offer was rather simple. the job sounded simple and even had some potential entertainment value.
Be careful what you wish for. nothing is ever that easy, when you are me.
the job requires that I go through an undetermined amount of video footage, log what is in each clip,and move on. simple right.? I see a paycheck here that can help me get caught up to date on some major outstanding bills. a chance to help out someone I like, a way to kill a lot of free time, and make money, so naurally it is an easy "no brainer" to say yes!
Yesterday, on a beautiful NYC afternoon, I took a long stroll down Broadway on the Upper West Side
to her building. I stopped for lunch at an old favorite of mine and had a great burger and the most tasty Waffle Fries on Earth let alone in New York. and picked up an external hard drive from her doorman as she is not in the City at the moment. I stopped at the supermarket, picked up a few things and came home.
Plugged in hard drive, Strike one. it is formatted to MAC,
uh oh, what now? I wracked my brain. only 2 people I know have MACS. one is far away, the other has one that is only used by his wife, and only used by her for work. it is also "difficult" to get this party on the phone 9 out 9x. so I decided to "consult" with the closest person I knew who might know what to do here.( as well as someone who actually responds to texts/phone calls in a timely fashion. there are not many of those in my little corner of Hell. a lot of people avoid me for some odd reason.) I was not even aware that among the several computers he had this person had a MAC.! YAY! I was just looking for advice! so I went all the way back to Manhattan, and it took about an hour. but He fit ONE of the many,many many files onto a flash, we tested it to make sure it worked. problem solved! and I got to "catch up" with a friend I had not seen recently.
Nothing is easy. when you are me. I wake up the next day. I plug in the Flash drive, I open the files, and BAM Strike 2! they play at a speed that makes "SLOW motion" look like FAST FORWARD, and the HD Video they were shot in makes VHS look like Blu Ray. 6 hours later, after many experiments and false starts. the answer to my dilemma comes in a phone call from another party.
MY USB port is much too slow, as is the Flash Drive, I must transfer all the files to my hard drive, (this is in progress as I type this). the 9GB will take 2.5 hours, it will fill my screen with 58-60 icons. but they WILL play normally when this is done I am told. I will than have to delete all from my hard drive, and repeat this process over and over till the project is completed. (STRIKE 3, your out!),
Lord knows, I have enough time to complete this project, and BOY do I need the money these days
so nobody reading this should view this as a complaint. I am very blessed that Leslie, Scott and Kevin all pitched right in to help me out. but Lord help me!. I had no idea how involved it would become all because my computer is a few years old. .this combined with the summaries involved, this..gonna take a while longer than I expected... ONLY in MY world..and so it goes...
"make the cut" I am sure, but in the last few days, it has happened AGAIN!, and this little "incident"
just so perfectly encapsulates everything in my World, I figure it's as good an example as any.
I mentioned earlier, that I have become "friendly" with "Media Personality" Leslie Gold, known to most
for her 10 Year career on New York Radio, and nationally syndicated on Sirius. well earlier this week
Ms Gold "made me an offer I could not refuse".
she offered to pay me to help her on a new TV Pilot she is shooting that will revolve around her and her
boyfriend Rock Drummer Legend Carmine Appice, (Carmine has worked for those unaware, with every famous group on the planet, Led Zepplin , Rod Stewart, Ozzy, you name it he has worked with them).
The offer was rather simple. the job sounded simple and even had some potential entertainment value.
Be careful what you wish for. nothing is ever that easy, when you are me.
the job requires that I go through an undetermined amount of video footage, log what is in each clip,and move on. simple right.? I see a paycheck here that can help me get caught up to date on some major outstanding bills. a chance to help out someone I like, a way to kill a lot of free time, and make money, so naurally it is an easy "no brainer" to say yes!
Yesterday, on a beautiful NYC afternoon, I took a long stroll down Broadway on the Upper West Side
to her building. I stopped for lunch at an old favorite of mine and had a great burger and the most tasty Waffle Fries on Earth let alone in New York. and picked up an external hard drive from her doorman as she is not in the City at the moment. I stopped at the supermarket, picked up a few things and came home.
Plugged in hard drive, Strike one. it is formatted to MAC,
uh oh, what now? I wracked my brain. only 2 people I know have MACS. one is far away, the other has one that is only used by his wife, and only used by her for work. it is also "difficult" to get this party on the phone 9 out 9x. so I decided to "consult" with the closest person I knew who might know what to do here.( as well as someone who actually responds to texts/phone calls in a timely fashion. there are not many of those in my little corner of Hell. a lot of people avoid me for some odd reason.) I was not even aware that among the several computers he had this person had a MAC.! YAY! I was just looking for advice! so I went all the way back to Manhattan, and it took about an hour. but He fit ONE of the many,many many files onto a flash, we tested it to make sure it worked. problem solved! and I got to "catch up" with a friend I had not seen recently.
Nothing is easy. when you are me. I wake up the next day. I plug in the Flash drive, I open the files, and BAM Strike 2! they play at a speed that makes "SLOW motion" look like FAST FORWARD, and the HD Video they were shot in makes VHS look like Blu Ray. 6 hours later, after many experiments and false starts. the answer to my dilemma comes in a phone call from another party.
MY USB port is much too slow, as is the Flash Drive, I must transfer all the files to my hard drive, (this is in progress as I type this). the 9GB will take 2.5 hours, it will fill my screen with 58-60 icons. but they WILL play normally when this is done I am told. I will than have to delete all from my hard drive, and repeat this process over and over till the project is completed. (STRIKE 3, your out!),
Lord knows, I have enough time to complete this project, and BOY do I need the money these days
so nobody reading this should view this as a complaint. I am very blessed that Leslie, Scott and Kevin all pitched right in to help me out. but Lord help me!. I had no idea how involved it would become all because my computer is a few years old. .this combined with the summaries involved, this..gonna take a while longer than I expected... ONLY in MY world..and so it goes...
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Supervillian!
Every "Great Epic Tale" needs one. This is a small sample of mine.
Batman has The Joker, Superman has Lex Luthor., 007 has Blofeld, "General Hospital" had The Cassidines trying to to freeze the World with a"Weather machine," Days of our Lives" has Stefano Dimera"."Harry Potter" has Voldemort, Star Wars, has Darth Vader.
The man I am about to tell you about? they all.. PALE by comparison,
I am speaking here of the "late and lamented by NOBODY, Silvio".
where the HELL do I begin on this one?
many years and many traumatic moments, a good amount of Whiskey and an overwhelming desire to forget this man ever existed in my life has obscured a lot of the worst memories I could dredge up,
but He did. And hard as I may try, this EVIL Disgusting Mutant / Animal of a so-called" Human Being", sometimes haunts me to this day.And Nothing any "well meaning person" said could seperate Rosemarie Gaffney (my Mom) from this pathetic loser..
This is a "Man," who in no particular order, once told me I was "a cancerous disease who was put on this planet to cause other people misery" at age 12/14, and that I would "die alone and unloved in a gutter",
who dangled a helpless cat over a 3rd floor balcony, who took pleasure from destroying my comic book collection and every poster on my walls and leaving the pile of shredded paper in my bedroom for me to clean up, who, I was afraid to bring home the few friends I had because "who knew?" what kind of mood he might be in that day when he arrived home?, I can "date" my earliest memories of him around 75 or so,
I vividly recall seeing "Return of The Pink Panther" with him and Mom at a theatre in Yonkers that has since become a
"burned out eyesore" not far from a building I lived in recently.
I also recall how not long after he became a "live in gigolo", he took over MY bedroom, (I moved into the living room,and slept on the sofa, dont ask how/why) and once he was "in the door" HE NEVER left.
so many stories. is the internet big enough for all of them.? is ANY blog big enough for all of them?
I cant say for sure, but the next entry will try to conjure up as many as I can recall. what I remember most about him? is the feeling in the pit of my gut as a kid when I heard "that sound" of the door being unlocked when he came home drunk night after night, as he went on yet ANOTHER tirade, the sound of anything in his path being destroyed, the endless visits by the Cops, and more than a few memorable "quotes" from this sick fucker. more to come. and so it goes......
Batman has The Joker, Superman has Lex Luthor., 007 has Blofeld, "General Hospital" had The Cassidines trying to to freeze the World with a"Weather machine," Days of our Lives" has Stefano Dimera"."Harry Potter" has Voldemort, Star Wars, has Darth Vader.
The man I am about to tell you about? they all.. PALE by comparison,
I am speaking here of the "late and lamented by NOBODY, Silvio".
where the HELL do I begin on this one?
many years and many traumatic moments, a good amount of Whiskey and an overwhelming desire to forget this man ever existed in my life has obscured a lot of the worst memories I could dredge up,
but He did. And hard as I may try, this EVIL Disgusting Mutant / Animal of a so-called" Human Being", sometimes haunts me to this day.And Nothing any "well meaning person" said could seperate Rosemarie Gaffney (my Mom) from this pathetic loser..
This is a "Man," who in no particular order, once told me I was "a cancerous disease who was put on this planet to cause other people misery" at age 12/14, and that I would "die alone and unloved in a gutter",
who dangled a helpless cat over a 3rd floor balcony, who took pleasure from destroying my comic book collection and every poster on my walls and leaving the pile of shredded paper in my bedroom for me to clean up, who, I was afraid to bring home the few friends I had because "who knew?" what kind of mood he might be in that day when he arrived home?, I can "date" my earliest memories of him around 75 or so,
I vividly recall seeing "Return of The Pink Panther" with him and Mom at a theatre in Yonkers that has since become a
"burned out eyesore" not far from a building I lived in recently.
I also recall how not long after he became a "live in gigolo", he took over MY bedroom, (I moved into the living room,and slept on the sofa, dont ask how/why) and once he was "in the door" HE NEVER left.
so many stories. is the internet big enough for all of them.? is ANY blog big enough for all of them?
I cant say for sure, but the next entry will try to conjure up as many as I can recall. what I remember most about him? is the feeling in the pit of my gut as a kid when I heard "that sound" of the door being unlocked when he came home drunk night after night, as he went on yet ANOTHER tirade, the sound of anything in his path being destroyed, the endless visits by the Cops, and more than a few memorable "quotes" from this sick fucker. more to come. and so it goes......
Thursday, June 9, 2011
comments people. please?
When I began this project, I gave very little thought to exactly "Who" might read it.
Call me naive I guess,but I really never thought that my thoughts and life such as it is, would interest people.
And SURE I know quite a few people, who in turn know even more people, and sure it's the "big ol internet".
and the whole world it seems is on Facebook, where I "send" each entry when it is done, but I am still a pretty "quiet" guy.and the thought that my "big old mess" of a life is "OUT THERE", perhaps being paraded in front of some I never intended (even somewhat anonymously, as I do not post my name or image here), has caused me to begin to wonder just how far I want to delve into my personal history and to evaluate "how much is too much?", and even if it is too late by now to "put the genie back in the bottle".I toy with 3 ideas now when I log in to this blog,.."go balls to the wall" and spill EVERY story in my life,( and should I do that, watch out people, there are some things that may surprise you). 2) tell just enough to keep things moving and somewhat compelling, and self censor and pick and chose the details. or 3) abandon this blog, shut the fuck up, and hope that people forget what they know and begin a new blog with my thoughts on Entertainment, News. and kill the "personal" stuff,
Problem is, the "personal" stuff is not only what people seem to like,as well as the "driving force" of this blog,
but believe it or not, I have yet to "scratch the surface" of some of the things I have gone through.
I also, do not want to fall into the trap of this becoming "poor,poor ME", rather I want to share these stories with a touch of humor, and maybe in the hope that some will say "wow, look at what he has gone through, I never knew or dreamed that about him" and " that explains so much about him I understand now"
currently, I know 5 people who "follow" this blog, but more than that read it. this is the point where I need to decide the "direction" of this blog before I go much further. please people, take a moment, leave a comment and tell me what you want to see, (you can do this anonymously, I do not even have to know who you are)
have I gone "too far" into "TMI Land" or do you want more? does this come across as " whining" and "bemoaning my situation"? ( a quality I have often been told I have, yet seldom recognize in myself) should I do complete 180 here and change the topics all together? if you have enjoyed this so far, now is the time to tell me. sound off below. I want this blog to have humor as well as drama.
Call me naive I guess,but I really never thought that my thoughts and life such as it is, would interest people.
And SURE I know quite a few people, who in turn know even more people, and sure it's the "big ol internet".
and the whole world it seems is on Facebook, where I "send" each entry when it is done, but I am still a pretty "quiet" guy.and the thought that my "big old mess" of a life is "OUT THERE", perhaps being paraded in front of some I never intended (even somewhat anonymously, as I do not post my name or image here), has caused me to begin to wonder just how far I want to delve into my personal history and to evaluate "how much is too much?", and even if it is too late by now to "put the genie back in the bottle".I toy with 3 ideas now when I log in to this blog,.."go balls to the wall" and spill EVERY story in my life,( and should I do that, watch out people, there are some things that may surprise you). 2) tell just enough to keep things moving and somewhat compelling, and self censor and pick and chose the details. or 3) abandon this blog, shut the fuck up, and hope that people forget what they know and begin a new blog with my thoughts on Entertainment, News. and kill the "personal" stuff,
Problem is, the "personal" stuff is not only what people seem to like,as well as the "driving force" of this blog,
but believe it or not, I have yet to "scratch the surface" of some of the things I have gone through.
I also, do not want to fall into the trap of this becoming "poor,poor ME", rather I want to share these stories with a touch of humor, and maybe in the hope that some will say "wow, look at what he has gone through, I never knew or dreamed that about him" and " that explains so much about him I understand now"
currently, I know 5 people who "follow" this blog, but more than that read it. this is the point where I need to decide the "direction" of this blog before I go much further. please people, take a moment, leave a comment and tell me what you want to see, (you can do this anonymously, I do not even have to know who you are)
have I gone "too far" into "TMI Land" or do you want more? does this come across as " whining" and "bemoaning my situation"? ( a quality I have often been told I have, yet seldom recognize in myself) should I do complete 180 here and change the topics all together? if you have enjoyed this so far, now is the time to tell me. sound off below. I want this blog to have humor as well as drama.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Baby, you can drive my car, (Cause I sure can't)
most of my Adult Life, I have lived at the mercy of the MTA.
growing up, I was mesmerized by the very notion, of Manhattan and actually "The Dream" of living there
and I am pretty sure that was influenced by damn near every TV show I ever watched and book I ever read and movie I ever saw.
I spent a good portion of my childhood living on the outskirts of "The Greatest City in The World".
and one of the things about NYC, is that nobody needs a car.
even as a teenager, I could not have been less interested in driving if I tried.
my only time behind the wheel to date was a few lessons well over 25 years ago, where I was FAR too nervous to follow up on the idea.
really, the very thought makes me a complete wreck and I cannot imagine doing it.
even though every ounce of my being KNOWS how much it would make a difference in my life. and how much it could improve the overall quality of my life. I know it would open doors as far as jobs, both in terms of WHERE I could look, as well as WHAT I could look at. it would make shopping a HELL of a lot easier.
In the last apx 5 years, there have been a few "false steps" in this direction. I have had a permit 3x. I have failed the so-called "written test" 2x. and I have even gotten to the point where people have said they will "help me practice", (maybe they would. somehow I doubt it, what I have learned in life is that it is easy to make promises if you do not think the time will ever come to deliver, and its FAR better to rely on yourself than others.). the reality is this. I NEED to conquer this fear. once and for all.
it is a "handicap" that A) is something that is costing me too many oppertunities.B) really is Illogical.and C) would improve the quality of my life in many ways,
SO, what's the hold-up here.? as I have discovered, a "permit" means nothing if you are unable to follow through and do something with it.
and nothing worth having is "free". I need to be able to do something this important the "right way"
I cannot rely on others to "teach" me, and I cannot pay for lessons, buy a car, insure it, and pay 5.00 a gallon to fill it with gas. there was once a "window" where I was able to handle those things. I am no longer able to do this. and as much as I would love to with all the free time I currently have, getting a permit tomorrow, would not do me any good. unless I have lessons, and a Car to use.and like everything else in life that costs money.
growing up, I was mesmerized by the very notion, of Manhattan and actually "The Dream" of living there
and I am pretty sure that was influenced by damn near every TV show I ever watched and book I ever read and movie I ever saw.
I spent a good portion of my childhood living on the outskirts of "The Greatest City in The World".
and one of the things about NYC, is that nobody needs a car.
even as a teenager, I could not have been less interested in driving if I tried.
my only time behind the wheel to date was a few lessons well over 25 years ago, where I was FAR too nervous to follow up on the idea.
really, the very thought makes me a complete wreck and I cannot imagine doing it.
even though every ounce of my being KNOWS how much it would make a difference in my life. and how much it could improve the overall quality of my life. I know it would open doors as far as jobs, both in terms of WHERE I could look, as well as WHAT I could look at. it would make shopping a HELL of a lot easier.
In the last apx 5 years, there have been a few "false steps" in this direction. I have had a permit 3x. I have failed the so-called "written test" 2x. and I have even gotten to the point where people have said they will "help me practice", (maybe they would. somehow I doubt it, what I have learned in life is that it is easy to make promises if you do not think the time will ever come to deliver, and its FAR better to rely on yourself than others.). the reality is this. I NEED to conquer this fear. once and for all.
it is a "handicap" that A) is something that is costing me too many oppertunities.B) really is Illogical.and C) would improve the quality of my life in many ways,
SO, what's the hold-up here.? as I have discovered, a "permit" means nothing if you are unable to follow through and do something with it.
and nothing worth having is "free". I need to be able to do something this important the "right way"
I cannot rely on others to "teach" me, and I cannot pay for lessons, buy a car, insure it, and pay 5.00 a gallon to fill it with gas. there was once a "window" where I was able to handle those things. I am no longer able to do this. and as much as I would love to with all the free time I currently have, getting a permit tomorrow, would not do me any good. unless I have lessons, and a Car to use.and like everything else in life that costs money.
A Turning Point?
the first entries of this blog came fast and furious.
I had a lot of anger and a lot to say, now I am faced with the question "How much is too much"?
and have I suffered "premature e-blogulation"?, prior to the time covered so far, I had a life
not all that different from the one I am looking at as I type this. "broke beyond all levels of broke"
a long string of jobs, that did not come close to covering even the most basic of needs, extended periods
of unemployment,.(though granted it was MUCH easier to get hired at 20 something than 40 something)
there were a lot more places to look for a job, the Internet has made it much easier for employers to
"screen people" long before they walk in. and in fact, "walking in" these days is almost discouraged as a way to find employment. even the most "low level" jobs such as Wal Mart and Target, send you to an automated "kiosk" when you inquire about if they are "hiring". Two friends of mine, whom I have enormous respect for have often used the phrase, "think outside the box", I am trying to do exactly that. I would like nothing more than to perhaps find a way to return to some type of school, and find a path that is very , different from the one I have been on for over half my life. I used to tell people when I was very gainfully employed."Sleepy's will be the END of my retail life" if and when it came. well it's been over for over 4 years.the thing I ask myself daily is "where do you fit"? "what do you WANT to do?" but the most VITAL one, is "how do I get there, and eat and keep a roof over my head at the same time"?
There are 2 things that I am deeply passsionate about as most who know me know.
I love entertainment. Film. TV.Radio, I spend hours reading on these subjects,I have become increasingly cynical and critical about these over the last few years, but there are I have found more than a few "hidden gems" out there, such as shows like "Levrage", "Burn Notice", and a few that are no longer around like "Alias". it's been a long,long time since I have seen a Film in a Theatre that REALLY excited me, and it seems things are not improving much. Hollywood seems on the surface to make nothing but "cookie cutter" sequels and middle level Comic Book movies that are uninspired and neither terrible nor amazing. (of course a few break that mold. The Dark Knight and Iron Man 1 come to mind).
The other path I could see myself on is something involving Animal Care
I take a bit of heat for being a "Cat person", especially from ignorant people who have no clue about Cats.
I could care less what those people think. now, I could not see myself as a "vet". I am not science and biology minded, and like most things in life it takes time and a LOT of money to pursue that type of profession.
I do not have the time or the funds for that anyway.and the only jobs in that field I have found that I am qualified for are often "volunteer" jobs. satisfying on an emotional level, but do nothing to pay the rent, or anyting else for that matter. I made multiple applications to "dog walking" jobs over the last year or so and come up empty even on those. no response.
At this stage, I have reached a point where next to nothing has been ruled out as long as I have a job.
I went through many hoops trying to get a job as a Security Guard, only to discover that 0 expirience in this area has not gotten me any closer to steady employment and the field seems to be overrun with charlatans who seek money to "place" you yet do nothing of substance once they HAVE your money,
I recenty was given a gift of 150.00 from a friend, that I gave to a "placement agency" that sent me in circles and dodged me and sent me to places that either were not hiring or did not seem to care if I was "referred"
all I could think of after a day or so was how much I wish I had given that money to Con Edison and my cell phone bill. but I tried, and I continue to "not give up". in spite of the fact that I get 218.00 a week and am up to my ass in bills and turn-off notices for cable, cell and Con Ed. there MUST be a way out of this mess,
there must be. one of my greatest regrets is that I never learned how to drive. I cannot explain that one,. but it is a choice that has made my life next to impossible for years. and I think that is the topic I shall deal with next. it's another of the many "Catch 22's" I live with so it really is something I should discuss here,
I had a lot of anger and a lot to say, now I am faced with the question "How much is too much"?
and have I suffered "premature e-blogulation"?, prior to the time covered so far, I had a life
not all that different from the one I am looking at as I type this. "broke beyond all levels of broke"
a long string of jobs, that did not come close to covering even the most basic of needs, extended periods
of unemployment,.(though granted it was MUCH easier to get hired at 20 something than 40 something)
there were a lot more places to look for a job, the Internet has made it much easier for employers to
"screen people" long before they walk in. and in fact, "walking in" these days is almost discouraged as a way to find employment. even the most "low level" jobs such as Wal Mart and Target, send you to an automated "kiosk" when you inquire about if they are "hiring". Two friends of mine, whom I have enormous respect for have often used the phrase, "think outside the box", I am trying to do exactly that. I would like nothing more than to perhaps find a way to return to some type of school, and find a path that is very , different from the one I have been on for over half my life. I used to tell people when I was very gainfully employed."Sleepy's will be the END of my retail life" if and when it came. well it's been over for over 4 years.the thing I ask myself daily is "where do you fit"? "what do you WANT to do?" but the most VITAL one, is "how do I get there, and eat and keep a roof over my head at the same time"?
There are 2 things that I am deeply passsionate about as most who know me know.
I love entertainment. Film. TV.Radio, I spend hours reading on these subjects,I have become increasingly cynical and critical about these over the last few years, but there are I have found more than a few "hidden gems" out there, such as shows like "Levrage", "Burn Notice", and a few that are no longer around like "Alias". it's been a long,long time since I have seen a Film in a Theatre that REALLY excited me, and it seems things are not improving much. Hollywood seems on the surface to make nothing but "cookie cutter" sequels and middle level Comic Book movies that are uninspired and neither terrible nor amazing. (of course a few break that mold. The Dark Knight and Iron Man 1 come to mind).
The other path I could see myself on is something involving Animal Care
I take a bit of heat for being a "Cat person", especially from ignorant people who have no clue about Cats.
I could care less what those people think. now, I could not see myself as a "vet". I am not science and biology minded, and like most things in life it takes time and a LOT of money to pursue that type of profession.
I do not have the time or the funds for that anyway.and the only jobs in that field I have found that I am qualified for are often "volunteer" jobs. satisfying on an emotional level, but do nothing to pay the rent, or anyting else for that matter. I made multiple applications to "dog walking" jobs over the last year or so and come up empty even on those. no response.
At this stage, I have reached a point where next to nothing has been ruled out as long as I have a job.
I went through many hoops trying to get a job as a Security Guard, only to discover that 0 expirience in this area has not gotten me any closer to steady employment and the field seems to be overrun with charlatans who seek money to "place" you yet do nothing of substance once they HAVE your money,
I recenty was given a gift of 150.00 from a friend, that I gave to a "placement agency" that sent me in circles and dodged me and sent me to places that either were not hiring or did not seem to care if I was "referred"
all I could think of after a day or so was how much I wish I had given that money to Con Edison and my cell phone bill. but I tried, and I continue to "not give up". in spite of the fact that I get 218.00 a week and am up to my ass in bills and turn-off notices for cable, cell and Con Ed. there MUST be a way out of this mess,
there must be. one of my greatest regrets is that I never learned how to drive. I cannot explain that one,. but it is a choice that has made my life next to impossible for years. and I think that is the topic I shall deal with next. it's another of the many "Catch 22's" I live with so it really is something I should discuss here,
Friday, June 3, 2011
it seems I upset someone today,
I could not decide if I should address this here or not,
on the one hand, I will possibly simply end up "fanning the flames", and making an already unpleseant situation worse. on the other hand, this blog is intended as a "no holds barred" look at my life, and I must say the feedback from some parties has been really impressive.and I do not want to hold anything at all back.
the names of those involved are not being used. (for the most part). and I have not said anything untrue, people have every right to disagree with me. this is America. and this blog is about MY Journey, and my point of view.
I have shared the story I am about to tell with a lot of people. some know the person involved. some do not. ALL of them agree, hands down, I am "right", those who know the person might NEVER admit this to His face. (mainly because they not only like this person for his very funny personae, and the fact that as long as you are careful and NEVER let this person near your wallet, He is a pretty good guy, and can be a ton of fun to be around). I have known this person since I was 12.(more or less). I know he will read this, as will someone else in his life who I am very unpopular with. and I really do not wish to upset or anger either.
In a perfect world?, I would actually like to totally let go of all the anger and nastiness that has transpired between us. but you see, sometimes, he just makes it next to impossible. by his actions.
As I related earlier, I had a 401k account that I was forced to close. this created a big pile of money.
I had something like 40 grand all in my little old regular Chase account.I was unemployed, but it sure did not feel that way back in October of 07. ( I recall this as I had JUST begun at PC when "that call" came in, a phone call I wish I had never picked up).
My very close friend and co-worker,(lets call him "Tony Stark" had been in need of a car forever, the vehicle he was using was not even "really his", now "Tony Stark". is really a great guy. no doubt, he is quick-witted, an awesome salesperson, and many good things. "good with money" however is NOT one of them.to put it kindly. and yes, I knew this going into this. whole sordid affair. I had leant him money several times over the years, and getting it back was often akin to pulling teeth, but in the end he always met his obligations,
he also was very well compensated at work. he made more than I did, (but he also had a good deal more expenses,.fair is fair. and I do not wish to obscure any facts).now the TRUTH is that this party is something of a "Peter Pan". He never,ever, ever wants to grow up. and in many ways that is what makes him so damn charming, and impossible for me to stay angry with. and a quality that helps him make a great living and he can at times make an amazing and loyal friend. he demonstrated that to me more than once over the years. we share many things in common. we also bicker like hell over others. I may devote another chapter to him and some of our mutual antics at some time. there are plenty.
but this post is about one thing and one thing only. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. as Aretha might say.
he BEGGED me, to lend him 2000.00 for a car. swore to me up,down and sideways it would be paid in a year or under, and yanked at my heart strings, with phrases that echo in my ears 5 years later.
"How long have we been friends?" "don't you TRUST me"?, "you KNOW where I work", "you KNOW how much I make". I tried to negotiate, 1000.00? no, 1500.00 no. it must be all
this was the "magic, Supercar of his dreams!" it was THE one, he had been searching so long for.
it was the reason he had waited for so long,. to find the "right" one,
and how could I possibly ever understand? I who never had a car or learned to drive.?
against the advice of some, I relented.
bottom line here? he made a few repayments a LOOOOOONG time apart, and in typical fashion for him getting what I have gotten to date was and remains like pulling teeth.
OH, and guess what? He NEVER even bought the damn thing. that's right, he NEVER BOUGHT THE FUCKING THING, wanna know something else? he only finally got a replacement car in the last 6 months or so.
What was the money spent on? I have no idea. he does not take drugs. he barely touches alcohol.it would not shock me if he used it to make a dent in his endless overdue bills.or something else.but it was not used for what it was intended. was there ever a car? probably, I believe there was. was I the worlds biggest fool? maybe. I just wanted to be as good a friend to him as he had been to me. and help him get something I knew he needed, we have fought over this loan ever since. if you take ONE lesson from this blog it should be "never lend money to friends". I have a far worse story along these lines for another day,
WHY did he not RETURN said funds as soon as it was clear he was not getting the car? ask him. I am sure he will leave some lame-ass sarcastic comment on this entry.
in an earlier post, I told the story of a someone who owed me 750.00, and how at my lowest this party made a "joke" about it. and laughed as I begged for 100.00, he has since told me that moment was a "turning point", that THAT was when he began to find "paying me a chore". really? that incident was over 3 and a half years AFTER he had once promised that it would be paid, on time. in full in under a year.
now the final twist. for ME? it's never been about the money per-se.
I came to terms long ago with the fact I may never see it all. (of course I do need it and believe it should be paid)
it's his attitude and lack of respect that infuriates me.
last Dec I had a little too much to drink on Christmas Eve,
I thought about how much I needed that money. how lousy my Christmas was.
and how awesome his was. I sent him a barrage of curse riddled texts. I was done.
last night he saw the post about that incident, he again "mocked it" and left a comment,
we texted earlier and are neutral again, we may not be after he reads this,
I still want my money. and a truce would also be nice. I will settle for an ounce of RESPECT,
on the one hand, I will possibly simply end up "fanning the flames", and making an already unpleseant situation worse. on the other hand, this blog is intended as a "no holds barred" look at my life, and I must say the feedback from some parties has been really impressive.and I do not want to hold anything at all back.
the names of those involved are not being used. (for the most part). and I have not said anything untrue, people have every right to disagree with me. this is America. and this blog is about MY Journey, and my point of view.
I have shared the story I am about to tell with a lot of people. some know the person involved. some do not. ALL of them agree, hands down, I am "right", those who know the person might NEVER admit this to His face. (mainly because they not only like this person for his very funny personae, and the fact that as long as you are careful and NEVER let this person near your wallet, He is a pretty good guy, and can be a ton of fun to be around). I have known this person since I was 12.(more or less). I know he will read this, as will someone else in his life who I am very unpopular with. and I really do not wish to upset or anger either.
In a perfect world?, I would actually like to totally let go of all the anger and nastiness that has transpired between us. but you see, sometimes, he just makes it next to impossible. by his actions.
As I related earlier, I had a 401k account that I was forced to close. this created a big pile of money.
I had something like 40 grand all in my little old regular Chase account.I was unemployed, but it sure did not feel that way back in October of 07. ( I recall this as I had JUST begun at PC when "that call" came in, a phone call I wish I had never picked up).
My very close friend and co-worker,(lets call him "Tony Stark" had been in need of a car forever, the vehicle he was using was not even "really his", now "Tony Stark". is really a great guy. no doubt, he is quick-witted, an awesome salesperson, and many good things. "good with money" however is NOT one of them.to put it kindly. and yes, I knew this going into this. whole sordid affair. I had leant him money several times over the years, and getting it back was often akin to pulling teeth, but in the end he always met his obligations,
he also was very well compensated at work. he made more than I did, (but he also had a good deal more expenses,.fair is fair. and I do not wish to obscure any facts).now the TRUTH is that this party is something of a "Peter Pan". He never,ever, ever wants to grow up. and in many ways that is what makes him so damn charming, and impossible for me to stay angry with. and a quality that helps him make a great living and he can at times make an amazing and loyal friend. he demonstrated that to me more than once over the years. we share many things in common. we also bicker like hell over others. I may devote another chapter to him and some of our mutual antics at some time. there are plenty.
but this post is about one thing and one thing only. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. as Aretha might say.
he BEGGED me, to lend him 2000.00 for a car. swore to me up,down and sideways it would be paid in a year or under, and yanked at my heart strings, with phrases that echo in my ears 5 years later.
"How long have we been friends?" "don't you TRUST me"?, "you KNOW where I work", "you KNOW how much I make". I tried to negotiate, 1000.00? no, 1500.00 no. it must be all
this was the "magic, Supercar of his dreams!" it was THE one, he had been searching so long for.
it was the reason he had waited for so long,. to find the "right" one,
and how could I possibly ever understand? I who never had a car or learned to drive.?
against the advice of some, I relented.
bottom line here? he made a few repayments a LOOOOOONG time apart, and in typical fashion for him getting what I have gotten to date was and remains like pulling teeth.
OH, and guess what? He NEVER even bought the damn thing. that's right, he NEVER BOUGHT THE FUCKING THING, wanna know something else? he only finally got a replacement car in the last 6 months or so.
What was the money spent on? I have no idea. he does not take drugs. he barely touches alcohol.it would not shock me if he used it to make a dent in his endless overdue bills.or something else.but it was not used for what it was intended. was there ever a car? probably, I believe there was. was I the worlds biggest fool? maybe. I just wanted to be as good a friend to him as he had been to me. and help him get something I knew he needed, we have fought over this loan ever since. if you take ONE lesson from this blog it should be "never lend money to friends". I have a far worse story along these lines for another day,
WHY did he not RETURN said funds as soon as it was clear he was not getting the car? ask him. I am sure he will leave some lame-ass sarcastic comment on this entry.
in an earlier post, I told the story of a someone who owed me 750.00, and how at my lowest this party made a "joke" about it. and laughed as I begged for 100.00, he has since told me that moment was a "turning point", that THAT was when he began to find "paying me a chore". really? that incident was over 3 and a half years AFTER he had once promised that it would be paid, on time. in full in under a year.
now the final twist. for ME? it's never been about the money per-se.
I came to terms long ago with the fact I may never see it all. (of course I do need it and believe it should be paid)
it's his attitude and lack of respect that infuriates me.
last Dec I had a little too much to drink on Christmas Eve,
I thought about how much I needed that money. how lousy my Christmas was.
and how awesome his was. I sent him a barrage of curse riddled texts. I was done.
last night he saw the post about that incident, he again "mocked it" and left a comment,
we texted earlier and are neutral again, we may not be after he reads this,
I still want my money. and a truce would also be nice. I will settle for an ounce of RESPECT,
Thursday, June 2, 2011
So, that's where we are Today, and How we got there, What Now?
That is where we are today, and how we got there.
the question now, is what does the future hold?, How, do I get out of this mess before it escalates any further
and I"become a statistic"?
obviously, I need a job. and I need one yesterday,I realized long ago one job would probably never be enough to keep a roof over my head. NY State is of little to no help,. I spoke to them not long ago. I asked them if, based on my current income, was I eligible for any type of additional programs, or any type of "assistance".
the answer I got was far more frightening than a mere "no".
The State of NY, (aka Welfare), pays a "Single Individual with NO Children", 178.00 EVERY TWO WEEKS.
that is not a typo. I currently receive DOUBLE what I would get should it ever come to the point where I am forced to apply for Welfare. (needless to say, I also do not qualify for any other type of help, just to be clear).
every month, there are 3 bills that need to be paid.
1) Cablevision. (99.06 including tax) this is the least expensive and most cost effective package available. and it encompasses the internet. and a land line that I do not even know the number for.they are not a huge problem to cover. ( you can, I have discovered, remain perpetually 30 days behind and not be turned off. do not attempt to go 33 or so. you will be shut off.) cut it off? cant do it,.need TV. especially if I am home all day. as I mostly am. web is vital. and dropping phone saves nothing and in fact inflates the cost, (they want everyone on this package for some reason I guess)
2) Con Edison. it averages about 90.00. you can drag them out forever as I have found, but when you do,
you amass a huge bill,. go on a "special arrangement as I have 2x, and must pay them on time and in full to maintain the "agreement".
3). Sprint. also around 90.00 like cable, I am on the least expensive plan possible, I could at best,
save maybe 15.00 or less, returning to my old non-Android phone. and have been thinking of doing this,
I also have an outstanding balance and have a "special arrangement" going on with them, that like Con Ed, is hard to keep current.
in addition I need to buy food at least 2 weeks a month.
all on 168.00 a week. and a 50.00 a week "allowance" given to me each sunday by my uncle.
And so it goes....
the question now, is what does the future hold?, How, do I get out of this mess before it escalates any further
and I"become a statistic"?
obviously, I need a job. and I need one yesterday,I realized long ago one job would probably never be enough to keep a roof over my head. NY State is of little to no help,. I spoke to them not long ago. I asked them if, based on my current income, was I eligible for any type of additional programs, or any type of "assistance".
the answer I got was far more frightening than a mere "no".
The State of NY, (aka Welfare), pays a "Single Individual with NO Children", 178.00 EVERY TWO WEEKS.
that is not a typo. I currently receive DOUBLE what I would get should it ever come to the point where I am forced to apply for Welfare. (needless to say, I also do not qualify for any other type of help, just to be clear).
every month, there are 3 bills that need to be paid.
1) Cablevision. (99.06 including tax) this is the least expensive and most cost effective package available. and it encompasses the internet. and a land line that I do not even know the number for.they are not a huge problem to cover. ( you can, I have discovered, remain perpetually 30 days behind and not be turned off. do not attempt to go 33 or so. you will be shut off.) cut it off? cant do it,.need TV. especially if I am home all day. as I mostly am. web is vital. and dropping phone saves nothing and in fact inflates the cost, (they want everyone on this package for some reason I guess)
2) Con Edison. it averages about 90.00. you can drag them out forever as I have found, but when you do,
you amass a huge bill,. go on a "special arrangement as I have 2x, and must pay them on time and in full to maintain the "agreement".
3). Sprint. also around 90.00 like cable, I am on the least expensive plan possible, I could at best,
save maybe 15.00 or less, returning to my old non-Android phone. and have been thinking of doing this,
I also have an outstanding balance and have a "special arrangement" going on with them, that like Con Ed, is hard to keep current.
in addition I need to buy food at least 2 weeks a month.
all on 168.00 a week. and a 50.00 a week "allowance" given to me each sunday by my uncle.
And so it goes....
My Uncle. "this part is going to really be painful"
To fully tell this story, I need to explain something.
My family has always been my "friends". and my "job".
and for close to 10 years at this point, both had been "one and the same".
It's not that I really "dislike" my uncle. he is basically a "good" person, he HAS to be
but you see, he is 79 years old, and for his entire life, he has been a Marist Brother, as in "sort of a Priest."
"on paper" I am Catholic, but I am like many more of a "lapsed" Catholic, do I believe in God? sure, do I go to church? I fear my head would start to spin and I might vomit pea soup should I enter one, so I just kind of stay away from churches to "play it safe",
as a kid, I often got the vibe my uncle did not exactly "like" me, as a less than perfect "grown up" this feeling grew a lot more tangible. ( he had some vaild reasons for not exactly being a fan of mine, that I will discuss at another time, but this is enough for now).
The short version of this story, is I avoided him for a long time. it was just the simplest way. He lived in "His World". I lived in mine. and 2 worlds were about to collide that are VERY different,
at 78 and not in great health, (he looks like shit these days, and seldom leaves his bed, and his room looks like something out of "Hoarders") he seems "at peace". well you would too, if everything in life was taken care of by others. and you had no worries,and no bills to speak of. and never had to worry about pretty much anything other than "what's for lunch?" and "when am I going to die"?
Now, I do not blame him, for his outlook on life really, he was a school teacher for many years.
but living in his world, kind of removes a part of your brain,.the part that comprehends the cost of living,
as well as the part that understands the need for certain essentials in order to dig yourself out of a hole the size of the Grand Canyon.
He was, when he heard what was going on in my little corner of Hell, shockingly good to me,
and I am eternally grateful. some have told me I am wrong for inflicting MY personal Hell on a relative who I had little contact with when things were good. I tend to agree, but with no other viable options..I did what I had to, "I did what I had to". is something of a recurring theme in my World.
Time will tell if what came next was smart, or a band aid on a gaping wound rather than a "proper, long term solution" on June 2, 2011 it looks a LOT like the former rather than the latter.
I was given a lot of money.and "sold" him a lot of my personal items that I acquired over the last few years.
I was moved out of my apartment to a much much smaller, cheaper apartment.( in HIS name as I would never get an apartment in my own at this stage), the rent was paid for "a short time" in advance, (this has escalated to now over a year, 3 months at a time), till I "get a job". it was NEVER supposed to last this long.
now, in June of 2010, I was forced to "resubmit" my claim with unemployment. good news/bad news time again. Thanks to Obama, brand new claim, now = 92 weeks in NY. MY claim however involved new earnings, and a "new" base period for those earnings. I went from 290.00 every week, to 180.00. a week at least. I now qualify for Food Stamps. I get a whopping 160.00 for 30 days. ( they typically last about 15/17 in a good month, and you cannot buy ANYTHING, but food. NO you cannot buy soap, paper towels, cat stuff, or toothpaste, or pretty much anything disposible other than food.).
The problem I NOW live with daily, and the source of my frustration, is rather simple.
"How the hell does one find a job, and pay the bills on 180.00 a week, when existing
on 100.00 more was next to impossible?"
I "do whatever I can, I do what I have to do,".
it has gotten VERY scary, and keeps getting scarier, I do not know HOW much longer the rent will be subsidized for me, but the lease was 2 years.
back in the 80's I was a big fan of NBC News anchor Linda Ellerbee.
I am going to close this chapter by borrowing her catchphrase, (which She borrowed from Lloyd Dobbins as her great book about TV news recounts). "and so it goes".
My family has always been my "friends". and my "job".
and for close to 10 years at this point, both had been "one and the same".
It's not that I really "dislike" my uncle. he is basically a "good" person, he HAS to be
but you see, he is 79 years old, and for his entire life, he has been a Marist Brother, as in "sort of a Priest."
"on paper" I am Catholic, but I am like many more of a "lapsed" Catholic, do I believe in God? sure, do I go to church? I fear my head would start to spin and I might vomit pea soup should I enter one, so I just kind of stay away from churches to "play it safe",
as a kid, I often got the vibe my uncle did not exactly "like" me, as a less than perfect "grown up" this feeling grew a lot more tangible. ( he had some vaild reasons for not exactly being a fan of mine, that I will discuss at another time, but this is enough for now).
The short version of this story, is I avoided him for a long time. it was just the simplest way. He lived in "His World". I lived in mine. and 2 worlds were about to collide that are VERY different,
at 78 and not in great health, (he looks like shit these days, and seldom leaves his bed, and his room looks like something out of "Hoarders") he seems "at peace". well you would too, if everything in life was taken care of by others. and you had no worries,and no bills to speak of. and never had to worry about pretty much anything other than "what's for lunch?" and "when am I going to die"?
Now, I do not blame him, for his outlook on life really, he was a school teacher for many years.
but living in his world, kind of removes a part of your brain,.the part that comprehends the cost of living,
as well as the part that understands the need for certain essentials in order to dig yourself out of a hole the size of the Grand Canyon.
He was, when he heard what was going on in my little corner of Hell, shockingly good to me,
and I am eternally grateful. some have told me I am wrong for inflicting MY personal Hell on a relative who I had little contact with when things were good. I tend to agree, but with no other viable options..I did what I had to, "I did what I had to". is something of a recurring theme in my World.
Time will tell if what came next was smart, or a band aid on a gaping wound rather than a "proper, long term solution" on June 2, 2011 it looks a LOT like the former rather than the latter.
I was given a lot of money.and "sold" him a lot of my personal items that I acquired over the last few years.
I was moved out of my apartment to a much much smaller, cheaper apartment.( in HIS name as I would never get an apartment in my own at this stage), the rent was paid for "a short time" in advance, (this has escalated to now over a year, 3 months at a time), till I "get a job". it was NEVER supposed to last this long.
now, in June of 2010, I was forced to "resubmit" my claim with unemployment. good news/bad news time again. Thanks to Obama, brand new claim, now = 92 weeks in NY. MY claim however involved new earnings, and a "new" base period for those earnings. I went from 290.00 every week, to 180.00. a week at least. I now qualify for Food Stamps. I get a whopping 160.00 for 30 days. ( they typically last about 15/17 in a good month, and you cannot buy ANYTHING, but food. NO you cannot buy soap, paper towels, cat stuff, or toothpaste, or pretty much anything disposible other than food.).
The problem I NOW live with daily, and the source of my frustration, is rather simple.
"How the hell does one find a job, and pay the bills on 180.00 a week, when existing
on 100.00 more was next to impossible?"
I "do whatever I can, I do what I have to do,".
it has gotten VERY scary, and keeps getting scarier, I do not know HOW much longer the rent will be subsidized for me, but the lease was 2 years.
back in the 80's I was a big fan of NBC News anchor Linda Ellerbee.
I am going to close this chapter by borrowing her catchphrase, (which She borrowed from Lloyd Dobbins as her great book about TV news recounts). "and so it goes".
"OK, that was a nice break, but back to the story",
when things really start to fall apart all around you, people start to change. and not in a "good way".
I, had been "bleeding money" by this point, for over a year and a half, I had essentially destroyed my credit by "robbing Peter to pay Paul". and in truth? I had not become a "fun" person to be around. ( to be objective here however, would YOU be a barrel of laughs under these conditions?). people I at one point spoke to daily, suddenly never took my calls..never,people who owed me money? well one party who shall remain nameless, began to take on an arrogant air that basically said "How DARE you ASK for this money, I am broke". EXCUSE ME, this person has and always has and probably always WILL live far above his means, however, that is a lifestyle choice. this person has been solidly employed for 15 plus years,(and lives in a 2 bedroom apartment ALONE) would tell you, "I paid over half of what you leant me back" and thinks this is admirable and enough. oh, and on one occasion after my relentless begging wore him down for 100.00 of the 900 he owed at that point? (over 1.5 years later FYI, he STILL owes me 750.00), when I asked if he could make it 125.00 rather than 100.00 as I needed extra cat food? he broke out laughing and told me I had just helped him win a 10.00 bet he had made that I " would not be satisfied" . yeah. I could say more here, but I do not think I have to. I think that says it all.
At this stage of the story, I was getting under 1200.00 a month from unemployment. my rent was 960.00
and getting anything at all paid was becoming next to impossible.
I made the next choice, I stopped paying rent. and decided, I HAD to get out of that apartment, but I had no place to go. I went to New York Social Services. a place I would not wish on anyone. the 1st thing I was told was that since I was not at that second being evicted, they would not be able to help me.return when you are. the next? was that it would not matter if I was, as I was ineligible for any assistance regardless, as I was getting unemployment.when I asked about a "one shot" for my rent, I was told "no" as I did not have enough income to prove I would be able to pay it in the future, if they paid it once.
HELLO, I was getting under 300.00 a week!
the next thing I asked about was "housing" and Sec 8. I was told, "you can apply, but as a single person, it can take about 5 years at minimum".
someone reading this at this point would probably ask the logical question "how about your family"?
How about them, I am an only child, My Beautiful Mother was a Saint, she was too good for her own good, in many ways when I watch All in the Family reruns these days as I often do I see much of her in Edith Bunker, a beautiful soul, who was the defintion of "long suffereing". she passed away in 2002.
I lost my father very young, they divorced when I was 10 or so, and He passed away not long after.
I don't have many memories of him.
Mom, took up with a violent, nasty, abusive alcoholic scumbag not long after and never let go,
he died long before she did,.but way too late to "fix" a lot of the damage he inflicted in her life.
the only one left was my uncle. and He is the next installment of this blog.
I, had been "bleeding money" by this point, for over a year and a half, I had essentially destroyed my credit by "robbing Peter to pay Paul". and in truth? I had not become a "fun" person to be around. ( to be objective here however, would YOU be a barrel of laughs under these conditions?). people I at one point spoke to daily, suddenly never took my calls..never,people who owed me money? well one party who shall remain nameless, began to take on an arrogant air that basically said "How DARE you ASK for this money, I am broke". EXCUSE ME, this person has and always has and probably always WILL live far above his means, however, that is a lifestyle choice. this person has been solidly employed for 15 plus years,(and lives in a 2 bedroom apartment ALONE) would tell you, "I paid over half of what you leant me back" and thinks this is admirable and enough. oh, and on one occasion after my relentless begging wore him down for 100.00 of the 900 he owed at that point? (over 1.5 years later FYI, he STILL owes me 750.00), when I asked if he could make it 125.00 rather than 100.00 as I needed extra cat food? he broke out laughing and told me I had just helped him win a 10.00 bet he had made that I " would not be satisfied" . yeah. I could say more here, but I do not think I have to. I think that says it all.
At this stage of the story, I was getting under 1200.00 a month from unemployment. my rent was 960.00
and getting anything at all paid was becoming next to impossible.
I made the next choice, I stopped paying rent. and decided, I HAD to get out of that apartment, but I had no place to go. I went to New York Social Services. a place I would not wish on anyone. the 1st thing I was told was that since I was not at that second being evicted, they would not be able to help me.return when you are. the next? was that it would not matter if I was, as I was ineligible for any assistance regardless, as I was getting unemployment.when I asked about a "one shot" for my rent, I was told "no" as I did not have enough income to prove I would be able to pay it in the future, if they paid it once.
HELLO, I was getting under 300.00 a week!
the next thing I asked about was "housing" and Sec 8. I was told, "you can apply, but as a single person, it can take about 5 years at minimum".
someone reading this at this point would probably ask the logical question "how about your family"?
How about them, I am an only child, My Beautiful Mother was a Saint, she was too good for her own good, in many ways when I watch All in the Family reruns these days as I often do I see much of her in Edith Bunker, a beautiful soul, who was the defintion of "long suffereing". she passed away in 2002.
I lost my father very young, they divorced when I was 10 or so, and He passed away not long after.
I don't have many memories of him.
Mom, took up with a violent, nasty, abusive alcoholic scumbag not long after and never let go,
he died long before she did,.but way too late to "fix" a lot of the damage he inflicted in her life.
the only one left was my uncle. and He is the next installment of this blog.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Part 2
I mentioned "The Radiochick Show", in my last post, for a reason, aside from the fact that I loved it
(in it's many incarnations) over the years, (and that in the last 2 years I finally got a chance to meet this funny lady and her "partner in crime" Chuck Nice).
When you work for Sleepy's, nothing lasts forever, and it is very common for employees to suddenly find they do not work in certain locations anymore. they now work somewhere else, or in some cases, you are on a "rotating" schedule, between 2 or 3 locations, in the first 5 years of my time there, I managed 4 stores, and rotated through at least 2-3 semi-regularly. in the last 3 I was assigned regularly to 3, and "visited" about 5 others
it was nice to have a "familiar" presence follow me around from location to locastion,
no matter where I went,.and oddly the show, pretty much started up, and ended concurrent with my run with Sleepy's. (except for the period that fans of the show refer to as the "F(orced) U (nemployment)." eras,
the last "era" for the show started in the summer of 09, a time when I really needed a regular laugh..The show was back after a year and a half in limbo, (much like myself) and doing daily podcasts,( I actually bought my first MP3 player to download and take the show with me on days I was job hunting,)
the show than "morphed" into a "fully interactive" Web based daily show on shovio,com. a terrific fun web site where I became friendly not only with Ms Gold, (and if she brings "Gong Show Live" to the area of anyone who reads this SEE IT), but a lot of long time listeners/viewers who I had never met, (that would be you Viking Mike, Mall Guy Eric, boredjason, Shawn from da Cave) as well as my pal Kevin Canessa who hosts his own excellent nightly show there, and one of the funniest, nicest guys I know Scott Coscia, who has hosted and produced his own show, while working for both Leslie and well known "Gossip Guy" Chaunce Hayden of "Steppin Out Magazine."
as the money got tighter, this website gave me something to look forward to each day, and for HOURS at a time, I even had a few chances to visit the studios a few times and "play co host", as well as guest, and watch Leslie do her show live, and watch Chaunce do his show from "Sapphire Club"(Thanks Scott), pretty cool for a guy in my situation, and a MAJOR mood lifter when your "real world" is not exactly going so great,
I also had the pleasure of seeing Leslie produce "Gong Show Live". brilliant modern update of the 70's TV Classic at BB King's in Times Square, shiovio.com and facebook, brought a whole new bunch of people into my circle, and while change is inevitable, I hope to remain in touch with all of them for a long,long time. and I hope that one day there will be another version of The Chick in some fashion. who knows where she will pop up next? funny talented people who persevere usually do, and THAT is "What I have learened from The Radiochick Show". ( well that and the names of The Real Housewives of NY)
(in it's many incarnations) over the years, (and that in the last 2 years I finally got a chance to meet this funny lady and her "partner in crime" Chuck Nice).
When you work for Sleepy's, nothing lasts forever, and it is very common for employees to suddenly find they do not work in certain locations anymore. they now work somewhere else, or in some cases, you are on a "rotating" schedule, between 2 or 3 locations, in the first 5 years of my time there, I managed 4 stores, and rotated through at least 2-3 semi-regularly. in the last 3 I was assigned regularly to 3, and "visited" about 5 others
it was nice to have a "familiar" presence follow me around from location to locastion,
no matter where I went,.and oddly the show, pretty much started up, and ended concurrent with my run with Sleepy's. (except for the period that fans of the show refer to as the "F(orced) U (nemployment)." eras,
the last "era" for the show started in the summer of 09, a time when I really needed a regular laugh..The show was back after a year and a half in limbo, (much like myself) and doing daily podcasts,( I actually bought my first MP3 player to download and take the show with me on days I was job hunting,)
the show than "morphed" into a "fully interactive" Web based daily show on shovio,com. a terrific fun web site where I became friendly not only with Ms Gold, (and if she brings "Gong Show Live" to the area of anyone who reads this SEE IT), but a lot of long time listeners/viewers who I had never met, (that would be you Viking Mike, Mall Guy Eric, boredjason, Shawn from da Cave) as well as my pal Kevin Canessa who hosts his own excellent nightly show there, and one of the funniest, nicest guys I know Scott Coscia, who has hosted and produced his own show, while working for both Leslie and well known "Gossip Guy" Chaunce Hayden of "Steppin Out Magazine."
as the money got tighter, this website gave me something to look forward to each day, and for HOURS at a time, I even had a few chances to visit the studios a few times and "play co host", as well as guest, and watch Leslie do her show live, and watch Chaunce do his show from "Sapphire Club"(Thanks Scott), pretty cool for a guy in my situation, and a MAJOR mood lifter when your "real world" is not exactly going so great,
I also had the pleasure of seeing Leslie produce "Gong Show Live". brilliant modern update of the 70's TV Classic at BB King's in Times Square, shiovio.com and facebook, brought a whole new bunch of people into my circle, and while change is inevitable, I hope to remain in touch with all of them for a long,long time. and I hope that one day there will be another version of The Chick in some fashion. who knows where she will pop up next? funny talented people who persevere usually do, and THAT is "What I have learened from The Radiochick Show". ( well that and the names of The Real Housewives of NY)
"Let's take a break from all the doom and gloom in this thing."
Flashback: 1999.( August/September) ,I had just celebrated my first Anniversary as Manager of the Park Avenue Showroom (30th and Park). I have always been a fan of "talk radio". not the screaming, noisy repetitve Sports talk, nor the looney "right wing" type, I always appreciated the more "thoughtful" funny type like WABC's Lynn Samuels,Lionel, Jay Diamond and Alan Colmes..and like many I was a BIG fan of "self proclaimed King of all Media", Howard Stern. I was one of his earliest,earliest listeners, on 66 WNNNNNNBC. at around this time I found a "new" show. .WNEW had recently hired Opie and Anthony. and I was rapidly becoming a big fan of them, than this legendary NY radio station went "all talk".
now the thing you need to remember here, is that as a "manager" I essentially "ran my own business". I worked alone, from roughly 10AM, ( I often came in at 9:30, and on occasion as early as 9). till 9pm. 9 back in those days you were permitted to leave for maybe a half hour if you wanted but I seldom did. I would take 5 or 10 minutes at a time to go to the deli or newsstand, but most of the time I never left). I ordered food from an awesome little burger place on 32nd so often they gave me a free meal one Christmas!
The other part that is important here is the Store. it was NOT a typical location,
the customers were "upscale" and lived in the area, but there were not a lot of them, and the store was located
UNDER Park Ave. there was a "street level" entrance and you had to go down 2 flights of stairs, so a lot of others did not want to work there, it quickly became "My little Kingdom" "MY Underground Lair". and man, I knew how to "work" that place, I learned how to "make more and do less" and others never understood how I did it, lol. but I am getting off track.
11 hours a day, plus very few customers, = LOTS of free time.
I read books, tabloids,every magazine on the rack, comic books, and 2 Newspapers a day,
but my "best friend" from the minute I woke up to the minute I walked into my apartment around 10:15
was 102.7 WNEW. 3 terrific, funny as hell talk shows! all day long. I dont recall the time-slots of the original line up oddly. but the best, longest run of the many chaotic changes over the next 2 years was "The Radiochick," "O and A", and" Ron and Fez". 2 of those are now on Sirius/XM, (at least I think R&F are still there). MY personal favorite has had a" cursed" history nearly as mixed up and confusing as my own,
I have NO idea why I fell in love with this dopey little show.maybe I always root for the underdog,
it certainly had lot to do with the awesome chemistry between the 3 people behind the mic,Leslie Gold, Paul "Butchy" Brennan, and Chuck "Mr know it all" Nice, I was hooked for life. I nearly never called in, something I regret to this day. I guess I was intimidated by the 3 most "naturally funny" people I had heard in ages,
the difference I guess between them and the others was the "sharp wit".any host can do "dick jokes" and strippers, and the show had more than it's share. but these guys often made sharp, incisive FUNNY points, and really seemed "a cut above" while still having a blast, I now know just how much fun they had, as well as how many levels of Hell they were sent through.over the years. one time I did call in, it was very spur of the moment and the only thing I recall was the nervous feelingin the pit of my gut, and the fact I needed a dopey caller "nickname". on the fly, I looked around the room and thought of the nickname "mattressman".
that nickname has kind of stuck around in some circles ever since. I have a few more thoughts on "The Radiochick Show" and I don't want this post to run forever,
so tune in later for Part 2.
now the thing you need to remember here, is that as a "manager" I essentially "ran my own business". I worked alone, from roughly 10AM, ( I often came in at 9:30, and on occasion as early as 9). till 9pm. 9 back in those days you were permitted to leave for maybe a half hour if you wanted but I seldom did. I would take 5 or 10 minutes at a time to go to the deli or newsstand, but most of the time I never left). I ordered food from an awesome little burger place on 32nd so often they gave me a free meal one Christmas!
The other part that is important here is the Store. it was NOT a typical location,
the customers were "upscale" and lived in the area, but there were not a lot of them, and the store was located
UNDER Park Ave. there was a "street level" entrance and you had to go down 2 flights of stairs, so a lot of others did not want to work there, it quickly became "My little Kingdom" "MY Underground Lair". and man, I knew how to "work" that place, I learned how to "make more and do less" and others never understood how I did it, lol. but I am getting off track.
11 hours a day, plus very few customers, = LOTS of free time.
I read books, tabloids,every magazine on the rack, comic books, and 2 Newspapers a day,
but my "best friend" from the minute I woke up to the minute I walked into my apartment around 10:15
was 102.7 WNEW. 3 terrific, funny as hell talk shows! all day long. I dont recall the time-slots of the original line up oddly. but the best, longest run of the many chaotic changes over the next 2 years was "The Radiochick," "O and A", and" Ron and Fez". 2 of those are now on Sirius/XM, (at least I think R&F are still there). MY personal favorite has had a" cursed" history nearly as mixed up and confusing as my own,
I have NO idea why I fell in love with this dopey little show.maybe I always root for the underdog,
it certainly had lot to do with the awesome chemistry between the 3 people behind the mic,Leslie Gold, Paul "Butchy" Brennan, and Chuck "Mr know it all" Nice, I was hooked for life. I nearly never called in, something I regret to this day. I guess I was intimidated by the 3 most "naturally funny" people I had heard in ages,
the difference I guess between them and the others was the "sharp wit".any host can do "dick jokes" and strippers, and the show had more than it's share. but these guys often made sharp, incisive FUNNY points, and really seemed "a cut above" while still having a blast, I now know just how much fun they had, as well as how many levels of Hell they were sent through.over the years. one time I did call in, it was very spur of the moment and the only thing I recall was the nervous feelingin the pit of my gut, and the fact I needed a dopey caller "nickname". on the fly, I looked around the room and thought of the nickname "mattressman".
that nickname has kind of stuck around in some circles ever since. I have a few more thoughts on "The Radiochick Show" and I don't want this post to run forever,
so tune in later for Part 2.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
The Lost Year:Summer 08-Summer 09.
This is where it gets kinda confusing.and even somewhat comical in a depressing sort of way,
let's just say I began to lose a lot of faith in quite a few people. some people just do NOT grasp the concept that "working" purely for the sake of "working" is counterproductive if you CANNOT meet your daily expenses,
and that "getting a job" under the circumstances is NOT as simple as asking for one, there must be a job, they must want YOU, and no matter what you anyone tells you, Supermarkets, KMART, Target, Macy;s Walmart, Mcdonalds etc are NOT always hiring. and sorry, they are not lining up to hire those over 40, with a dicey employment background. in many cases you cannot even see a person, often it goes more like this, you are directed to an "online application". you are than sent through a 40 something minute "screening process". than you are told via email, "Thank You for your interest, we will contact you, if and when we have something that meets our needs that matches you". I tried them ALL. of course by this time many began to doubt my efforts,and quite a few decided I was a "lost cause".and let's be honest, none of these jobs was going to meet my financial needs by any stretch of the imagination. I tried Job Fairs, monster, craigslist, all the while digging a deeper and deeper grave with credit cards and living off my "loan". I even returned to the scene of a job I left behind decades ago. for 3 days, don't ask. I prefer to pretend it never happened, and what DID happen was pretty damn strange and I never understood it.. it was one of 2 "incidents" that I was hired and "let go" in under a week with little explanation. it also was one of the most depressing years of my life, the ONLY bright spot during this time was the return of my favorite radio host and her daily podcasts. (that is a post unto itself, maybe more than one, and maybe the next post or 2).
Next up in short order was "Bob's Discount Furniture". it had possibilities. I did not know how many at the time, I know better now. but at the end of the day, I was "not what they were looking for", I was let go shortly after they opened a big new store. I am not convinced I was ever meant to be there longer, the store was flooded with too many salespeople from day 1, less than 3 weeks. and I was sent packing. it was a bad "mix". I was not the "rah rah type",. (I was also "ill".having recently been told I was type 2 diabetic,and I worked myself into an exhausted state during the opening and it probably showed). and last but not least, I took ONE last shot at furniture and got into Ashley Furniture, 10x more salespeople than Lazy Boy with about the same number of customers. after a massive error in my paycheck, and a 13 hour day after which I sold nothing but a 49.00 ceramic CHICKEN, ( that at least has provided me with an excellent "in joke" among a few friends). I entered into a "conversation" with management that went sort of like "you cant fire me I quit, you cannot quit your fired". "are you sure YOU are letting ME go"? "yes" "Thank You I now qualify for unemployment" (not fired for cause, enough time amassed in the last year and a half) which also paid more than I was making at Ashley. (FYI, they had 25 people already, were about to hire 10 more, and they NEVER stop looking for help for some odd reason. they advertise daily on craigslist as often as today. cant seem to keep people much? wonder why that is),
let's just say I began to lose a lot of faith in quite a few people. some people just do NOT grasp the concept that "working" purely for the sake of "working" is counterproductive if you CANNOT meet your daily expenses,
and that "getting a job" under the circumstances is NOT as simple as asking for one, there must be a job, they must want YOU, and no matter what you anyone tells you, Supermarkets, KMART, Target, Macy;s Walmart, Mcdonalds etc are NOT always hiring. and sorry, they are not lining up to hire those over 40, with a dicey employment background. in many cases you cannot even see a person, often it goes more like this, you are directed to an "online application". you are than sent through a 40 something minute "screening process". than you are told via email, "Thank You for your interest, we will contact you, if and when we have something that meets our needs that matches you". I tried them ALL. of course by this time many began to doubt my efforts,and quite a few decided I was a "lost cause".and let's be honest, none of these jobs was going to meet my financial needs by any stretch of the imagination. I tried Job Fairs, monster, craigslist, all the while digging a deeper and deeper grave with credit cards and living off my "loan". I even returned to the scene of a job I left behind decades ago. for 3 days, don't ask. I prefer to pretend it never happened, and what DID happen was pretty damn strange and I never understood it.. it was one of 2 "incidents" that I was hired and "let go" in under a week with little explanation. it also was one of the most depressing years of my life, the ONLY bright spot during this time was the return of my favorite radio host and her daily podcasts. (that is a post unto itself, maybe more than one, and maybe the next post or 2).
Next up in short order was "Bob's Discount Furniture". it had possibilities. I did not know how many at the time, I know better now. but at the end of the day, I was "not what they were looking for", I was let go shortly after they opened a big new store. I am not convinced I was ever meant to be there longer, the store was flooded with too many salespeople from day 1, less than 3 weeks. and I was sent packing. it was a bad "mix". I was not the "rah rah type",. (I was also "ill".having recently been told I was type 2 diabetic,and I worked myself into an exhausted state during the opening and it probably showed). and last but not least, I took ONE last shot at furniture and got into Ashley Furniture, 10x more salespeople than Lazy Boy with about the same number of customers. after a massive error in my paycheck, and a 13 hour day after which I sold nothing but a 49.00 ceramic CHICKEN, ( that at least has provided me with an excellent "in joke" among a few friends). I entered into a "conversation" with management that went sort of like "you cant fire me I quit, you cannot quit your fired". "are you sure YOU are letting ME go"? "yes" "Thank You I now qualify for unemployment" (not fired for cause, enough time amassed in the last year and a half) which also paid more than I was making at Ashley. (FYI, they had 25 people already, were about to hire 10 more, and they NEVER stop looking for help for some odd reason. they advertise daily on craigslist as often as today. cant seem to keep people much? wonder why that is),
January, 2008. I should have known better,after PC.
I survived my heart attack, (obviously,) and "PC Richard's" became a name I never wanted to hear again. I still had a few dollars, (but a lot less than before and it was dropping like a rock by now).
before Craigslist became known primarily as a place for serial killers looking for hookers, it also was known as a place to find jobs.( it may still be used for that, but it has not done ME a damn bit of good in years despite nearly daily visits).
I figured this was a good place to begin. I now had no "connections" left any place at all.
I very quickly found a position that sounded VERY promising in Scarsdale/Hartsdale with Lazy Boy Furniture,
and learned a very old lesson. "If it sounds too good to be true, run like Hell", I should have known better after PC Richards. but I again needed the money, needed a job, and in spite of some misgivings about "selling on commission" again plus selling furniture, which I never found appealing in ANY way, I signed on and shortly began to suffer "Deja Vu". no matter HOW much I sold, it was NEVER enough to generate commission. the manager was bi-polar and NASTY, one minute he was friendly and nice, the next, he was rude, dismissive, never available to assist you, he hid in his office and avoided all contact with customers, and on and on. than it took on a whole other dimension, they kept hiring more and more people, in a store that did not have enough customers for 3 salespeople at one point we had 8!! and I was competing for sales with an Assistant Mgr, (who also was on commission, and often made little more than I did, and who never stopped saying how soon he wanted out of the Titanic). I was hired at ONE rate of pay. it dropped 2x in 6 months. I never made a penny of commission, at the end of 6 months I had made 10,700.00 working 40 hours a week.
this was not a job, it was a money pit. it was "Anti-Income". I stayed as long as I could. I truly tried like Hell,
but the writing was on the wall. It was not going to improve, my saving were almost gone, I had begun using what are known as "balance transfers" on my credit cards to pay bills and rent, I spent 6 months believing that it would turn around, that maybe there was some good left there. the other salespeople were mostly attractive females. they were a fun bunch, none of them were making money either, but it did not seem to matter much to them. I had bills that never went away..Than I got another "gift". Bank of America pre-approved me for a 15k "loan". ( I still had great credit remember? I paid every bill on time in full. I never saw this coming, nor did I seek it), I took the money, and said "see ya" to Lazy Boy. I knew I could exist a while on that. I had applied for a few jobs while employed at Lazy Boy. I was sure one would call me. I was wrong. but at least I was not SPENDING more than I was making just to go to work again..I had savings again, even if they belonged to the Bank of America.it was the start of the long downward spiral. but through all the madness and bad decisions that followed, I never gave up hope that there was another door waiting to open, and that all I needed was the "right" fit. June of 08. was the last "consistent" employment I have had. I held 2 jobs since that time. both lasted under 5 weeks. one I left, one I was asked to leave. I will post about both next, and following that I want to "change gears" a bit and talk about some other things.
before Craigslist became known primarily as a place for serial killers looking for hookers, it also was known as a place to find jobs.( it may still be used for that, but it has not done ME a damn bit of good in years despite nearly daily visits).
I figured this was a good place to begin. I now had no "connections" left any place at all.
I very quickly found a position that sounded VERY promising in Scarsdale/Hartsdale with Lazy Boy Furniture,
and learned a very old lesson. "If it sounds too good to be true, run like Hell", I should have known better after PC Richards. but I again needed the money, needed a job, and in spite of some misgivings about "selling on commission" again plus selling furniture, which I never found appealing in ANY way, I signed on and shortly began to suffer "Deja Vu". no matter HOW much I sold, it was NEVER enough to generate commission. the manager was bi-polar and NASTY, one minute he was friendly and nice, the next, he was rude, dismissive, never available to assist you, he hid in his office and avoided all contact with customers, and on and on. than it took on a whole other dimension, they kept hiring more and more people, in a store that did not have enough customers for 3 salespeople at one point we had 8!! and I was competing for sales with an Assistant Mgr, (who also was on commission, and often made little more than I did, and who never stopped saying how soon he wanted out of the Titanic). I was hired at ONE rate of pay. it dropped 2x in 6 months. I never made a penny of commission, at the end of 6 months I had made 10,700.00 working 40 hours a week.
this was not a job, it was a money pit. it was "Anti-Income". I stayed as long as I could. I truly tried like Hell,
but the writing was on the wall. It was not going to improve, my saving were almost gone, I had begun using what are known as "balance transfers" on my credit cards to pay bills and rent, I spent 6 months believing that it would turn around, that maybe there was some good left there. the other salespeople were mostly attractive females. they were a fun bunch, none of them were making money either, but it did not seem to matter much to them. I had bills that never went away..Than I got another "gift". Bank of America pre-approved me for a 15k "loan". ( I still had great credit remember? I paid every bill on time in full. I never saw this coming, nor did I seek it), I took the money, and said "see ya" to Lazy Boy. I knew I could exist a while on that. I had applied for a few jobs while employed at Lazy Boy. I was sure one would call me. I was wrong. but at least I was not SPENDING more than I was making just to go to work again..I had savings again, even if they belonged to the Bank of America.it was the start of the long downward spiral. but through all the madness and bad decisions that followed, I never gave up hope that there was another door waiting to open, and that all I needed was the "right" fit. June of 08. was the last "consistent" employment I have had. I held 2 jobs since that time. both lasted under 5 weeks. one I left, one I was asked to leave. I will post about both next, and following that I want to "change gears" a bit and talk about some other things.
What Came Next,?
well, nothing that was good, and nothing I am terribly proud of. A short time following the demise of Rockaway Bedding, and the denial of my unemployment by the State of NY, I had to make the first of many "bad choices.".Faced with no income, a rent of 950.00 a month,a reasonable (at one time) amount of debt, and an ever shrinking pool of employment options, I did what I had to. I closed my 401k and had around 40,000.00 deposited into my checking account, I instantly lost almost 8000.00 due to penalty for early withdrawl.(and was taxed again for another 7g's at the end of the year). I paid off every card to 0.00, and spent a lot of time at home, online looking for the "right" job rather than ANY job at all. time passed quickly,I had sold electronics in the past and was rather comfortable and skilled at that. in spite of never really enjoying it, so I dialed up another "face from the past". ( and BOY do I have stories about this guy coming up later). and got myself hired by PC Richards, it was September. just in time for Christmas Season! , this proved to be a HUGE mistake, I was beyond miserable. in spite of being on the Upper East Side an area I had worked in for many years and knew well.. the Treatment I recieved by this company was akin to torture. the compensation was akin to slave wages. how anybody is able to work there and NOT require at a minimum Food Stamps escapes me. I was treated like fool, spoken "down" to by so-called managers and sent (at my OWN expense mind you) on trips to Long Island for "meetings" that were pointless more than once, ( Heaven forbid I should actually be in the store selling! as I worked on commission that I never recieved). every night I left that place I swore I might not return, One night in early Nov, I was right. the stress,( and years of a less than healthy diet) sent me to the hospital. I had a heart attack. and that was the end of that. I was fired in under 90 days (at JUST before the point that this wonderful Co, that paid garbage to begin with, would have had to offer me Medical Benefits among other things). I was relived, not sad.I was spending more than I made at this point just to go to work every morning. there had to something better out there, and I was going to find it. I still had a lot of money. No rush, right? this was just a minor set back. little did I dream how much more difficult and bizzare things would get. PC may have been the worst place I ever worked hands down, but there were at least 2 others that sure as Hell gave them some serious competition for the Title..
Monday, May 30, 2011
"Burn Notice"
"When your burned you have nothing,no cash,no credit, no job history, your stuck in whatever city,you rely on anyone who's still talking to you, you do whatever work comes your way"-Michael Westin. from the opening of the USA Network Spy Drama "Burn Notice".
When your a spy.. OK, when you are a suddenly unemployed, still somewhat shell shocked manager for Sleepy's in the NY area, you "do whatever work comes your way". and the first and fastest way of "getting things back on track, was taking my butt to the "competition". problem was by 2007, my ex-employers had pretty much eaten every alternative to shopping with them alive,. and once you have been "let go" by them the rest of the Retail World see you as "damaged goods", a "problem child", who MUST have done something heinous and possibly Illegal, to be terminated from such a job. It is true that an ex cannot TELL them what you did, that is illegal. What is NOT and has been used forever is the question "would you rehire this party"?
this is how they cover each others ass, and insure "Bad People" do not slip in. Of course LOGIC would dictate that if you would rehire someone they probably would not have been fired in the first place.
I got lucky. I knew someone who had become very friendly with an employee at "Rockaway Bedding". The last company that existed in the model of Sleepy's. I quickly was hired no problemo! the pay was better than average if not equal to what I was making, I co-managed 3 locations, 125th in Harlem,.East 86th and 2nd, and sometimes East 57th. and I thought all was going to be just fine. the people were "OK", the pay was "OK". they were very nice to me, very helpful., and happy to have me, it took a little getting used to, but they even carried a line of mattresses I LOVED selling that Sleepys had dropped. what a shame that after 6 weeks they filed bankruptcy papers, and shut every location in Manhattan. (less than 6 months later the remaining locations were bought up by ..you guessed it,my ex's). on my last day of work, I made over 600.00 in commission, was allowed to leave early if I wanted to, (I did), and told "it was a pleasure having you with us, I am so sorry we have to do this to you, and call me if you need anything at al", by the Distrct Mgr.
NOW I was starting to worry. there were no other places like Sleepy's in New York.
but I was still OK financially, I had savings and Unemployment would be enough, right? at least for a while.
surprise! NY state denied my claim. (fired for a violation company policy, = NO unemployment for YOU).
and Sleepy's fought the claim. and won.
When your a spy.. OK, when you are a suddenly unemployed, still somewhat shell shocked manager for Sleepy's in the NY area, you "do whatever work comes your way". and the first and fastest way of "getting things back on track, was taking my butt to the "competition". problem was by 2007, my ex-employers had pretty much eaten every alternative to shopping with them alive,. and once you have been "let go" by them the rest of the Retail World see you as "damaged goods", a "problem child", who MUST have done something heinous and possibly Illegal, to be terminated from such a job. It is true that an ex cannot TELL them what you did, that is illegal. What is NOT and has been used forever is the question "would you rehire this party"?
this is how they cover each others ass, and insure "Bad People" do not slip in. Of course LOGIC would dictate that if you would rehire someone they probably would not have been fired in the first place.
I got lucky. I knew someone who had become very friendly with an employee at "Rockaway Bedding". The last company that existed in the model of Sleepy's. I quickly was hired no problemo! the pay was better than average if not equal to what I was making, I co-managed 3 locations, 125th in Harlem,.East 86th and 2nd, and sometimes East 57th. and I thought all was going to be just fine. the people were "OK", the pay was "OK". they were very nice to me, very helpful., and happy to have me, it took a little getting used to, but they even carried a line of mattresses I LOVED selling that Sleepys had dropped. what a shame that after 6 weeks they filed bankruptcy papers, and shut every location in Manhattan. (less than 6 months later the remaining locations were bought up by ..you guessed it,my ex's). on my last day of work, I made over 600.00 in commission, was allowed to leave early if I wanted to, (I did), and told "it was a pleasure having you with us, I am so sorry we have to do this to you, and call me if you need anything at al", by the Distrct Mgr.
NOW I was starting to worry. there were no other places like Sleepy's in New York.
but I was still OK financially, I had savings and Unemployment would be enough, right? at least for a while.
surprise! NY state denied my claim. (fired for a violation company policy, = NO unemployment for YOU).
and Sleepy's fought the claim. and won.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
First Post, Where do I begin?
Who is this guy and how did he get here?. well I am a 46 year old caucasian male, who has discovered late in life that he has almost nothing left. and it ALL began on March 19th, 2007. well it really began in Aug of 1998.but first a little history lesson. For most of my adult life, I was something of a "lost soul". I had a pretty messed up childhood, and have always been something of a "loner". I have always had terrible luck with women, and issues with "confidence" and "finding my place in the World". ( there will be plenty of details on this stuff to follow). I drifted from one job to the next. nothing ever lasted long term. the longest one lasted nearly 2 years. In Aug of 98, things FINALLY changed for the better in ways I never expected. an old friend from High School (actually Jr HS), came back into my life and helped me in a way I NEVER dreamed possible. I was hired by a MAJOR NY retailer and my whole world changed. in under 2 years I went from 0 to making over 65k. I had savings, for the 1st time in my LIFE. I had credit!, I moved out of the hellish, windowless "no pets allowed" basement I had been trapped in for 11 years and INTO a bright, sunny, air conditioned UPSCALE building that had a TERRACE,! I adopted 2 cats that I still have today, and the future seemed finally to be brighter. I hit the "jackpot"! and I could not have been happier! I finally found not only a REAL job with a paycheck to match, I found the confidence that had eluded me for 30 years. and I EVEN found some friends. I worked harder and longer than I had ever worked in my life. over 50 hours a week sometimes. nothing was going to stop me. I made my share of mistakes, (nobody is perfect), I was often the king of "bending the rules". and I have a big mouth, and a very sarcastic sense of humor. I even got fired once for 3 days. but in the end I always seemed to "rise like the Phoenix" and come back somewhat humbled and always willing to "suck it up". and move on. and for the 1st time in my life I woke up on day and had almost perfect credit, a 401k, and was celebrating 5 years at the place that I really, truly believed was going to last. "for the rest of your life", so where did ir all go so terribly wrong? that will be my next entry. but on March 19th 2007 I left work as an Employee for the very last time. 2 days later, in the Store I loved above all other locations I had worked in for over 8 years, I was terminated around 9AM. and the nightmare began. and slowly, EVERY trace of who I had become was ripped away as if it had never happened.and 4 years later I am back at less than Zero.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)